John 1:3

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I'm finally publishing this post. 



"The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear, and I don't know the reason, why you brought me here; but just because You love me, the way that You do, I'm going to walk through the valley, if You want me to."

In high school, I sang and played this song in church quite often. The thing is, in high school, I didn't know how dark the valley could be. Sometimes life isn't all cupcakes and corndogs and the sweeter side of life is a little hard to find. I promised when I started this blog, that I would always be real.

The first of August,  my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first child. We were very excited but we knew there were problems from the start. After my first appointment, we found out that my progesterone was at a critical level. A sustainable pregnancy must have a progesterone level of 12 or above. Mine was a 2. After taking supplements, we finally got it up to where it needed to be and we thought we were on the right track. We went for an  ultrasound at week 6 and the baby was no where to be found. As we waited in limbo for a few weeks, we began to sink further into a valley until our fear was finally confirmed, the pregnancy was ectopic.

As we prepared for surgery, we instantly began to see how blessed we are. Even though this is such a hard time for us, the love and support from our family, friends, and church body has been overwhelmingly helpful in our recovery, both my physical and our emotional. When I don't know what to pray, there is always a text or a call, someone praying for me, we will never be able to fully show our appreciation for you during this time.

As the days have passed and the weeks turn into months, it does get a little bit easier. The feeling of loss is replaced with comfort, knowing that we will one day see our child again in heaven. Feelings of despair are replaced with hope that comes from trusting that God has a plan that is better than we could imagine (this one is still harder to live than to say sometimes, but I'm getting there).

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I know that our lives will never be the same. Although we never saw our baby, we know that it was loved not only by us but by a host of family and friends, and for that, we are grateful.

"All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made." (John 1:3 ESV)